Just Dreaming |
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
 So, Eliot Spitzer's a Pig.... Makes sense. Male pigs have a strong propensity towards being arrogant jerks. I see right through them, however lots of people don't. Losers. Oddly, they seem to be usually balding too. What a punk. Sunday, January 06, 2008
Watching Hillary Clinton in the debate from last night, January 5, she looks like a machine. A grumpy machine. She is *so* anti-charismatic, it's amazing anyone ever convinced her she could be president. It's laughable. Her getting angry is not a pretty sight. Can you imagine being married to that person? Wow. I love Edwards' look during one of her diatribes, like, "Is she having a nervous breakdown here, or what?" If I never heard Hillary's voice again in my lifetime, that would be fine with me. Yeech. Obama's funny looking. He's got those Kucinich-type ears sticking out. I wouldn't want to look at either of them a lot over the next four years. Sunday, December 30, 2007
This year was the best Christmas I've had for years and years. Shared fine times with family, together and individually. Also, renewed a good friendship on Christmas day..... In case anyone I know actually looks at this blog these days, after all this dormancy, my old email address listed here is not used any more. Some low-life was spoofing it, to send out spam, so I deleted it..... The hotmail and work addresses are still as good as ever. Though I rarely check hotmail. I've got a gmail account too, and love it. Happy new year. Saturday, December 22, 2007
Tired, somewhat happy dreamy self, "I wish it was Friday." "No, no. You have two days to live, before Friday." Besides, you'd miss your charming co-workers, right? The last few days, *trying* to catch up watching some of the things cluttering up my oversize TiVo, I noted two names in old movies. That is, 1930's/early 1940's. One was "Voldamoor," and the other was "Wormwood." Last evening I was happily non-participating in a favorite discussion group. Suddenly, an angry woman uttered a sexist, vulgar remark. I thought about posting a reply, however thought better of it. No use drawing any more attention to her. Then this morning, a smiling, charming woman came by, with her usual pleasant manner. That calming, soothing effect, which she pulls off routinely. What an incredible contrast. Non-participating (usually) in a favorite group, is similar to listening in to people you mostly enjoy being around. I often find I enjoy the experience just as much, if not more, on the sidelines. It's fun just soaking it in. Like listening to my many brothers in a rare get-together. Like the ambience of a late summer evening... The remaining light playing in the still green leaves on the huge oak tree in my neighbors' front yard. Girls voices carry from their soccer practice in the field nearby. The wind gently moves the evergreen branches overhead. All is right with the world, and there's no need to discuss it. Only to soak it in, and perhaps say a little prayer of thanks. Tuesday, November 27, 2007
This morning, I listend to a certain college acapella version of "Romeo and Juliet," a beautifully melancholy song. Fit my mood perfectly. Ideal situations which are to last forever, never do. Tuesday, July 10, 2007
"I don't know how you feel about me, but I don't really care." - Willie Mays Even though he was a Giant, that's pretty cool. Exactly. Thursday, May 31, 2007
Some girls just have a knack for flirting. It's fun to be around that sort of girl. It really helps if you have plenty of time- - regular, predictable time available to do that with the girl, too. Right here, right now is where it's at.... That's one of the problems with long distance flirting. You never know when or if she will be there. So it's pretty frustrating between times. She might just disappear too. Poof! And you wonder if that whole thing was a waste of time.... Thursday, April 26, 2007
Regina Spektor was kind of disappointing, with her odd magic act appearance. I mean, if I just want to hear her music, I can stay home, and come up with a better set list too..... However, it was fun getting out to her show here. I got carded. Had fun dancing around, as always. I tend to attract the girls when I dance at shows like that.... The alcohol drinking section of the dance floor was quite crowded, so I went over to the all-ages side for most of the show. The women in the drinking section were pretty aggressive! Even on the all-ages side, the younger ones found their way over. I liked it. Some good feminine vibes coming my way there. Other show notes.... It was sold out, and the place was packed. It got hot after a while, and I wished it was an outdoor show. I had mostly looked forward to seeing Regina, and also planned to dance around. No way had I prepared myself for girls' reactions to myself though. It was weird! Have you ever felt like a celebrity, and yet, you know you're not? I bought a cool 'Soviet Kitch' pin. Next time, I would start weaving my way to the front of the dance floor earlier. Regina called our city the "pot capital of America", and asked for someone to hook her up with some weed after the show. I imagine she chose a good place for her request.... It was fun being back downtown for a little while. Wednesday, April 25, 2007
"Cool is about not caring what other people think, and yet having people generally think you are cool." - Taken from a forum I like to read, and seems pretty true. You're pretty much cool, or not. Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We're having a great hail storm here. Beautiful, right outside my window.... Come Tuesday, I'll be dancing my head off. And last night was a bit of practice. Very fun. Sunday, April 15, 2007
I hate the new Google blogger.... Missed a few cool posts, because I couldn't get in for months there. So, gee thanks Google... Just had a first ever experience. I remembered my dreams four times in a row. Friday morning, Saturday, and twice this morning (I went back to sleep in after the first time.) In one, my Dad was alive again, and in another, I danced with a beautiful tall woman in a long wool coat, on city sidewalks, and then in a piazza. It was as if we were gliding along... Thursday, February 22, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
A Blast From The Past Wow, that was a nice suprise. I just got a birthday card from a woman who I used to get things from all the time. A real blast from the past.... It's as if my good vibes of late are floating all around. It's cool to experience, day to day. "What's he so happy about?!" Monday, December 25, 2006
Why is it, just about any "Santa" flick, has some proviso that "Santa" has the ability (let alone the right) to cancel Christmas. Santa has about as much to do with scheduling or "cancelling" Christmas, as does Michael on The Office. That is, absolutely nothing to do with it. Merry Christmas. Time for Christmas dinner. Wednesday, December 20, 2006
A girl who is not there for you at Christmas, or who pulls away at Christmas, is not someone you can rely on. As an intimate friend or lover, she's worthless. If you're not her first priority, then don't give her much of yourself. Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
There are few things in life, so pleasant as cleavage on a pretty girl. Especially unexpected cleavage. Friday, August 04, 2006
Jaded In a way, it's nice being jaded in love. Then, you don't expect anything, you have no dreams or illusions, and you are not disappointed..... It's interesting being one of the dreamless ones, like in that fantastic Twilight Zone, "Night Of The Meek." Monday, July 17, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Friend Or Lover Ha, I just read this on a Dodger board: "Every relationship I've had, Where either myself or the lady said we will be together forever has ended pretty much the next week." Happens every time! Well, maybe not in a week, but most assuredly it happens. Friend or lover, no difference. Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Studying photos from my teen years on up reveals about 3 basic photographed modes: 1) Unsmiling, unamused, almost scarily serious. 2) Ultra-cool, possibly but not necessarily smiling. 3) Deliriously happy. That's about it. Me in a nutshell, viewed from the outside in those years. Wednesday, November 09, 2005
"If you're not excited about your life, you should be, Matthew. Everything is going even better than planned." This is somewhat true. Ugh, it seems the more I talk myself out of someone I barely know, the more likely she is to present herself again. With the haunting question thus posed, "what if she said yes?" I hate that. You know the type. Passionate, physical, lively. If she was some useless bitch instead, you wouldn't have to bother asking yourself that question. Ugh. Friday, November 04, 2005
Now I'm almost certain the lesbian isn't a lesbian, at least not any more. However, I'm almost equally sure she is presently attached. Shame. Thursday, November 03, 2005
Unfortunately, and unusually, that "the way she walks" girl looks funny in skirts. Not sure if it's just that she chooses bad skirts or what. Just that, she looks great in pants but really unattractive in skirts. Like a different woman altogether. More.... "He is lucky enough to have many happy occasions all through life." True. I have many happy occasions every month. Especially now. I've learned not to rely on anyone in particular too. :-) "Intelligence geared towards ways of making money, becoming rich." Well, I suppose so. Even though someone I thought was my lifelong friend sure misjudged me. Sure hope I never confuse feminine charm with any particular insight (about me) again. "He is always ready to start from scratch in the event of a setback." Fortunately. Unfortunately, I've found this trait useful. "He is a spendthrift, money comes and goes." Which sometimes drives me nuts. Overall, things keep getting better though. "He undertakes daring and dangerous enterprises." Yeah. Be dan-ger-ous! "He is highly intellectual." When the topic interests. "He likes isolation, a withdrawn life, dreams and meditation." And I long for the day when I'll get lots more of that. Actually, I *plan* for that day. "Lovers will come and go, and then come back again." Some do. Others just want to. Kind of an odd part of my life. "Likes liberty, wants a life that is out-of-the-ordinary" And, thank God, I've got it. "With lofty feelings, he is full of tenderness, sentimentality. Things do not always go his way." Damm, true. Which makes one question the effort. "A meeting with a person who is either not free, too young" Or both. Seems like one of the stories of my life. "Fertile imagination." Mmm-hmm. Which some people misinterpret. While I am having fun with my imagination, they're confusing that with some sort of reality. "Marriage doesn't bring luck" Not in the long run. Sheesh, rules and do this, do that, don't do the other. What's up with that? "He is imaginative and has the Moon's intuition" Intuition is good. Just wish I'd listen to it a bit more. "He is a dreamer, with lots of imagination; he likes the Arts." I love the arts. Lately, discovering much more of a love for old, strange movies than I ever expected. "He is vain and jealous. Both married life and professional life are difficult with such a character." What can I say? Well, I've x'd off one of those, and the other one will play out for a few more years. "He is strong-willed and powerful" When "he" needs to be. Which is handy sometimes. "He possesses exceptional energy." Yeah, when I actually *want* to do something. More Musings On Personal Chart We are given signposts to help us through life.... "His life is out-of-the-ordinary, with lots of changes and a great knowledge of the world not through reading but through personal experience." Very true. Did I mention, I was thinking the other day, that my faith is as obvious to me as the nose on my face. Although, it's a bit more obvious than that. "He has a great need of his independence, likes his freedom of action." Oh yeah, above all else. "He likes to live in a dream, in the imaginary." Yeah, well, Just Dreaming, what do you expect. Besides, it's fun there. Had a great dream early this morning, in fact. "Marriage is not for him and, if he does throw himself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake." I've been coming to this conclusion very strongly. And, true. Although, I have the most luxurious lifetime rewards as a result. The type that those wihtout will never know, and cannot imagine. My life is so much fuller as a result. "As a result of his numerous love affairs, he makes sure his line is continued." True.... Kind of. What a blessing, too. "He has strange relationships." Which are the best kind! "He is pleasant, jovial and engaging." I guess that's why they keep inviting me to those parties... I hate Sunday evening parties though! A man needs time to himself. "A varied love life and a sometimes dubious morality." Isn't morality pretty much a struggle for everyone? "free spirit" Sure I am. Think about that term. Who would want to be called a "captive spirit"? And yet, "free spirit" individuals are in the minority. What, so everyone else are sheep? "He likes flowery language; he is very sensitive and detests anything vulgar." Yeah. Although I tend to make allowances for people I like. "Does not like barriers, likes liberty of action and does not like to account to anyone." Of course. The better to become independently well off. It's only a matter of time. The Lord willing. "Has a somewhat revolutionary spirit, is intrepid but presumptuous." Yes. And they should listen and learn!! ;-) "A high liver with a sweet, attractive and sunny disposition." Sure. When I'm in a good mood. "He knows how to forgive completely." That's a tough one. "He has his own way of thinking" Yeah. I love my way of thinking. It's great to have a good independent mind. How boring life would be without it. "hard, unforgiving, rigorous, insensitive and sometimes inhuman." Scary... They're talking about me here. "He is self-contained, resolute, tenacious." Definitely. "He has a good education, a solid grasp of facts." Yup. Sunday, October 30, 2005
The Way She Walks Just reflecting this morning, on a certain young woman I ran into - almost literally - on Friday morning. Her trajectory intersected mine such that we immediately started walking side by side, talking. We talked about nothing really - just how sometimes you almost run right smack into someone. However, standing next to her, walking by the same girl, who I'd noticed again and again - and she me - I took her measure. Ooo, she's a particularly nice size, in jeans on a Friday, without high heels. Anyway, I'd heard her talking business before, and when she's talking her usual business with her coworkers, she sounds nothing like she was with me those few moments. For me, she turned on her particular charm. Could have walked for miles having a good time talking about nothing. It's so f'ing cool to feel the chemistry, something real.... When you're right there, you can see exactly how she moves. You can watch her walk. You can feel how she reacts. She can see exactly what you look like, how you move, how you act... So very different from meeting anyone online. Now, someone online could be fantastic. Or she could just be a mirage. You don't know.....Right here, right now, you *know*... it's so much more real. Real to touch, to kiss, to make love to. Dreams? Ha. Be Dan-ger-ous I was out by my gate to the field, taking advantage of the blue skies, gathering up some leaves and things. Suddenly a little girl appears in the opening, maybe 9 or 10. "Did you see that dog go through here?" Me, "You mean that big one? Yes." Then we talked about how the dog had barked and was scaring people over in the field. "Yeah, that dog belongs to one of my neighbors." I've sort of learned to live with it. Anyway, the cute little girl continued, in her not quite yet clear English which you usually hear only from the very young, "That man over there looked down at my [skateboard]..." "He told me to *be dan-ger-ous." She said this with special emphasis. Then, correcting herself to, "ah, be careful." I liked the first version better! Be dangerous. That's good advice, for some of us, depending on the situation. Not so much for a little girl, seems to me. Wednesday, October 26, 2005
It's My Life  "Honor your need to control your own life, rather than being at the disposition of others." - - Which is an important lesson to learn. Urgh, one girl who at times simply grabs my attention, I believe has the ability, and perhaps predisposition, to also want to control her victims. Given that, I may be happy to simply let her enjoy my occasional entranced gaze, and let her keep the thought of how much she might like to put me on her puppet's strings. A person can only manipulate you if you let them. "Set the right terms before making a commitment to someone or something." - - Or better yet, just avoid the commitment altogether. Saturday, October 15, 2005
I love her. I love her ear for music. I love her social conscience. I love Alison. She's turning out to be quite the girl. "The vampire, who has obtained complete power over its victim, tries in every way to bribe it to suicide, for the one who takes his own life is lost for all eternity. For him, the gates of heaven are closed -- all hope is gone!" Vampyr: Der Traun des Allan Grey (1932) Wednesday, October 05, 2005
As I was approaching the combination door, I started thinking, "what if *she* walks around the corner right now." Then I started imagining her, actually imagining more than the eye can see... Then, I heard a door behind me, and wondered if instead she was approaching from there. "No, can't be." So I start fumbling with the door keypad, forgetting once again that they've changed the combination, after having entered a couple numbers. Just then, she walks up. I tell her I know I've entered it wrong (and I do nothing about it.) So, suddenly, she grabs the lever, slams it down. "You have to do this!" Then, she pulls up her blouse sleeve, looks at the number on her arm, and quickly punches in the number, letting both of us in with a smile. Sunday, October 02, 2005
She gently kissed my hand... She had been the girl I had always gone to see, when someone that I cared for, had been untrue to me. George Jones - Second Handed Flowers Saturday, September 17, 2005
The thing is, every failed relationship was once a good relationship. It's just that the failed part is the last thing you remember. Friday, September 16, 2005
I was relating a fun evening I'd had with a woman I'd met through neighborhood friends recently, at a party. This cute lady with short blonde hair and I hit it off, and ended up becoming closer... I was telling someone about that a little while later, and he asked me, "so, did you ask her out?" Well, no. Was I supposed to? I didn't know that was a given. What am I supposed to be, some sort of male behavioral robot? Funny thing is, girls (aka women) I know in person, some of them anyway, go for me, as I do for them. I mean, cute ones, different ages and things..... However, if one looks online, it seems like women (as well as men I suppose) limit themselves much more in their "specifications" for a male. I've learned not to put much trust in on-line meeting. I think usually, it just doesn't give you much if any idea of your actual chemistry. So, it's almost useless. Plus, why does it seem that the "real" local women are cuter than the ones who post personals. Not always. Usually.... I don't know, there's something very comforting about knowing a woman "looks" or seems interested in you, exactly you, the way you look, how you stand and present yourself - before you think about getting to know her better. If she is not interested, well, screw her. Then she's useless, and unattractive. ;-) Or at the very least, she's irrelavent. I'm no Johnny Depp, but I don't have any problem attracting attractive women. Now the next steps, well.... Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Sometimes, a girl is just unavoidably cute. As a guy, you don't really want to fall all over yourself over her. Then you see her, and the copies you were holding fly out of your hand. Hand can't think straight either when she's around. She smiles, she's amused. Good thing, you know you can amuse her alot with stuff like that, without really trying.... Later, you notice a girl in those red pants standing outside, talking on her cell. She just again happens to be there, and you're returning from a walk in the sunshine. As you pass her, carefully not looking in her direction *too* much, she turns her head over her shoulder, and smiles over at you. Sweetly, charmingly, ever so pretty looking. You act cool, smile back, and get through the doors to the building without tripping over yourself. Then, you can smile a little, inside. You haven't even gotten to first base. She threw you a ball however. You're a little closer. Just listening to the Beach Boys compilation CD Sprit Of America. I haven't listened to the Beach Boys for such a long time. Their music, so beautiful. Then, their lives, eech. Dennis dead far too young. Carl too, died too soon. Brian lived so much of his life haunted, lost. Still seems to be far from happy..... Thinking of my own experience with the Beach Boys. I first became a huge fan in late 1999, after listening to them off and on all my life. At first, my fandom was very happy. One of the very best experiences in my life. Then, it became less happy, with only moments that recaptured that happiness of the first year or so. Later, I experienced a certain betrayal, and it died. Not my interest in music, or appreciation of the Beach Boys. Just the warm relationship I shared as a result of my innocent entrance into the Beach Boys fan world. That ceased to exist, like the real Beach Boys did, so long ago. Ultimately, the dynamics didn't work, and egos clashed. Much like what happened with the Beach Boys. So too with at least two of their fans. Saturday, September 10, 2005
Last evening, sitting watching a movie, I kept thinking I was hearing something out front. Like bumping or something. Was it the wind? Maybe Charles? Perhaps my imagination? Michael didn't hear anything, and I was tired, so I didn't go out. However, later on, I had the feeling again that I should go out and check on things. I looked at the front door, and realized I'd forgotten to lock it. I opened the front door, and found the new storm door open too. My contractors have finished several things - the deck, painting, solar lights - however, they haven't finished installing the storm doors yet. So that door doesn't close by itself. I closed it, and went in thinking of bedtime soon. Then I heard a little knock on a door.... Hmm. I went over to the my new front door, and looked through my new little peephole. My neighbor Doria. I opened the door, thinking, "what's up, at 9:45PM, on a slightly chilly, damp night"? She told me my car doors were open. I went out, and sure enough, the back door, and one of the side doors, were wide open. The lights shone inside. I thanked her, and went to shut the doors. Everything inside was intact. This was some 3 hours after we'd gotten home. So it had been sitting wide open in my driveway, with the back open to my quiet street (which is a fairly busy walkway) for hours.... Everything as I'd left it, forgetting to go back outside for one more load earlier. I love my neighborhood, and my neighbors. (Although there's one particular neighbor who comes back for our block parties, who I wish still lived here. She sold her house to Tammy, before I moved here.) Whitford was having a little festival, so we went over to check it out, and get a bite to eat. Alison and I were talking, and watching Michael play coed volleyball with a giant ball. A moment later, we looked over, and Michael was slowly walking up a hill, surrounded by three girls. Alison commented "look at him, he's pimpin!" She found it is easy to see why the girls go for him. Let's see... Michael's kind, charming, funny, sharp, sweet, handsome, and he plays football. Friday, September 09, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
"Do not bear grudges against a friend who has not been as loyal to you as they should have." Unfortunately I do. Seems those friendships never recover. Saturday, May 14, 2005
" I've been cheated on in my life - with a best friend I might add, so I look at it very, very negatively." (Written on a favorite Dodgers BB) Yeah. I know how that feels. Saturday, April 02, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Juliette Binoche is so lovely and sexy. Especially in 1985, Rendez-vous: "What I liked about Fred was his short-sightedness... His poster collection, his stubborness and privacy. You can always get something out of a man..... At first, they're happy to sleep with me. Then they end up insulting me. I'm used to it." She always seems to play some sad, half-crazy, delicate, about to fall apart girl, in movies. Friday, January 07, 2005
Yeah, well, what can I say.... "Born on Jan-07: This is one of the most enthusiastic dates of the year, a peach to work with, fall in love with and have either as a child or parent." "January 7 enjoys exotic evenings of unashamed pleasures with a lover." He hehee. Yeah, I don't see the January 7 partners go wanting - so long as they keep him interested. "These babies are actively looking for ways to be original." No need to look. Just springs from life. Comes about, about as natural as breathing. "They thrive on anything that is different and exciting." Now they're talking. "These babies will know how to make money and they will have good luck in their financial affairs." Pretty much. I'll be glad when I can stop "working," however. "These little ones will consider moneymaking a game, and they will strategically plan their financial goals." For sure. "These babies will be prudent and conservative in their spending habits." For the most part. It pays. "These babies will attract partners who have financial assets." Fortunately, true. "These babies will tend to be reclusive." Happily so.... "They will live a mystical life." Of course.... "These little ones will have escapist tendencies and must refrain from overindulgence." Must escape... To maintain sanity, MUST escape..... ;-) "These babies are considerate and well-liked; however, when they feel strongly about something, they will let everyone know quickly and assertively." Mmm hmm. Without going into details. "These babies enjoy freedom in all aspects of their lives." Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! "These babies have a strong intuition and will always show an interest in the unusual or paranormal." Most definitely.... "These babies can be overbearing when dealing with others, which can result in personality clashes that make life difficult for them." Unfortunately. Just gazing at a "new" (to me) analysis of "me" I'm reading today. How do these things manage to be so accurate? Kind of spooky. A couple things strike me funny: "These newborns will have intense emotional desires that can lead to possessiveness." Oh yes, in spades. "They will feel that everyone who is close to them should maintain the same standards and morals as they do, and for anyone close to deviate from these standards would, to their mind, be an act of disloyalty." That's true too. How dare they!? ;-) Thursday, January 06, 2005
"They should guard against letting their visions cloud the reality of a situation." - Of persons born on the day I am. That's for sure!! 
Not All That Smelly I was sitting in a conference room yesterday in a meeting for a few hours. I looked down near the easel board, and noticed a box of pens. The box read: Low Odor Dry Erase System They stink. Just not that much. (He ehehhee) Put A Smile On My Face I arrived at my desk this morning, to find a little surprise. Well, my working neighbor had kept asking me when my birthday is, and for some reason, walking into the building and on up, I had a funny feeling that she'd show she remembered, in some way. She did! Girls are real sweet that way. A delicious looking little cake, chocolate with a lighter top, and a yellow and red striped candle sat waiting to greet me. We're both off tomorrow, so she did this a little early.... Put a smile on my face. Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Smorgasbord One way to view the past, that is, one's life up to the present, is as one's personal smorgasbord sampling of life. A rich variety. Now, looking at one's future, you can think of those things you would like to add to your banquet table. Monday, January 03, 2005
Friday, December 31, 2004
I'm now more certain than ever, that I made the right decision about Laura........ It was a special friendship in it's day. Just that, well, people tend to show themselves for real eventually, and you can no longer hold the view of them you had wanted to last forever....... Plus, when a person moves further and further from that dream of them you once held, you end up with just about nothing left. Well, one does have the past. Some of her best years, and some of mine. Saturday, December 25, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Eh, Kevin Spacey's a pig. Figures. Seems like kind of a jerk, and he looks at least 5 years older than his actual age, too. Not simply because he's balding, either.... Maybe it's the fake charm? Yeech. Saturday, December 11, 2004
Just tonight, I'm listening to a special set of choirs singing Christmas.... It sounds about as good as if I had made it myself. Oh Lord, I know a certain woman friend, who was mine a few years ago, would love the spirit of this..... Why did that ever end???? A lifetime most special friendship. Lifeless, what, four, five years later? ....... It seems life is like a series of adventures. Some very joyous, wonderful, unforgettable. Others, hidious, perhaps equally indellible. How would you know true love, if you never experienced total heartbreak? Or joy without sorrow. How I love Christmas music! Where art thou, little skinny red haired girl? Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Wouldn't it be cool to be Emperor? Personally, I'd change the seasons. Who really needs four? When the trees start to bloom in March, I think "Spring" has arrived. When it gets cold in November or mid-October, I think, "Ugh, winter." Then I start burning fires in the fireplace, and I can cope just fine. Summer? That starts some time in late May, for me. So, here we go.... Winter, Spring, Summer.... Each about four months. That's plenty of seasons. About all Fall adds is a mess of leaves on the ground and in the street. Oh, right, and a few weeks of spectacular leaves. Fine. Still, three seasons really count. And Winter started weeks back. It's amazing the music one can find, with plenty of knowledge, experience, and taste...... Just now listening to one of the better, more imaginative dub albums I've heard in quite a while. Glad to add it to the collection. One wonders whether every girl he meets on the net is somehow destined to be a huge disappointment. Hoping to be proved wrong..... Loyalty = friendship? I think so. Sunday, September 19, 2004
Dreams You Cannot Predict "We live, and life brings us new dreams, better ones. Ones that come from the heart, and not from the mind. Dreams that you cannot predict." - - From The Guru Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Back In First The Doggers are back in first, hurrah! Shawn Green got on base 5 times out of five tonight! A wonderful night to be a Dodger far, for sure.. As a lifelong loyal Dodger fan, it feels pretty good.... The Padres hitters had been complaining on and on about how the balls just don't fly out of their new ballpark there in San Diego. Well, they've flown out just fine and far the last couple nights from Dodger bats, Green's and Enacanacion's... Hmmmm, I know someone who's somewhat interesting and interested.... However, our chit-chat has never yet gone far at all.... Seems like usually, when you hit it off, it flows easier. So, is mutual interest enough, or should your intitial mini-conversations be "flowing"? Friday, April 09, 2004
As if I'd want to eat sushi, and listen to the same old band all the time... That sounds like purgatory! Easter weekend is shaping up pretty good... Game tomorrow, weather in the high 70's, gorgeous today, and a neighborly brunch early Sunday afternoon... Thursday, April 08, 2004
Have We Lost Our Dream? Isn't that a cool title for a song? I've still got my special love for great music with something to say, after all these years. Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Wow, I have the new Al Franken show on, right now! It just started today, in four cities, including mine. Ha, figures Air America would start here.... Saturday, March 27, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
Not Seen In Years Like some rare records... I watched two Twilight Zones last night which are rarely seen. One was the French production, "An Occurance At Owl Creek." Ak, it was just not the real thing, and never should have been released as a Twilight Zone. The other was one produced in the fifth and final season, by the producer who didn't understand the genre, William Froug. It starred the man who went on to become Sulu in Star Trek, but it was just lousy and pointless. Oh well, now I've seen them, and I never need see them again... OK, well the second one did feature this other character, an ex-Marine, opening beer after beer. The old type of cans you had to puncture to drink. That was kind of cool Buffets The thing I like about buffets in restaurants is, you can start when you like. You don't have to sit there forever waiting to first have someone come with a menu, then second come back to take your order, then finally, bring what you wanted. I want them there when I want them there, not when they get around to it! (Of course, the bad thing about buffets is, I nearly always eat too much.) This is a little like email friends. I've had a couple women friends that way, who were particularly good about constant emailing of each other. Only, I wanted them online when I was. The one in the late 90's/early 00's used to be almost quite good at that... Then she turned into the boring "wait, wait, wait" type you could never rely on. You'd think of something really cool you needed to tell her, but then she was so unreliable, that you'd never know when you could tell her, and you'd forget most of your best, most interesting things to say. A sad end to what had been an outstanding friendship. Ahhhhh..... I watched The Island Of Lost Souls last night, the original 1933 version, starring Charles Laughton... Laughton certainly appeared quite queer in that movie! My favorite character was the part animal girl - she was very magnetic. Spooky old black and white film... I recalled seeing this as a young boy on TV, while on a vacation at my grandparents. I've been wanting to see it ever since, and only recently discovered that the Island of Dr. Moreau was originally filmed as The Island Of Lost Souls. Ha, Laughton's character got exactly what he deserved in the end.. "An eye for an eye...." Things I've Learned About Rod Serling: .... 
1) He was about 5'4", and was quite sensitive about his height. 2) Serling smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day. 3) Rod detested "fags," and didn't much care for "that British fag Charles Laughton," who starred in one Twilight Zone (I believe the only episode I haven't seen.) 4) The man died at 50 years old. 5) He loved the sun, and even used sun lamps when back in New York or Connecticut, to keep up his tan. 6) He hated writing prose, much preferring writing scripts. 7) He liked being well off, and also constantly stood up for the oppressed. 8) A few months before his first, second and final heart attacks and death at 50, Rod had playfully touched the "cursed" Hope Diamond, while filming a documentary. Supposedly, anyone who touches that diamond will die shortly thereafter.... 9) Serling "drank an enormous amount, for a man his size." 10) Serling tried to revive The Twilight Zone in the early 70's, with Aaron Spelling producing. However, ABC said no... Stupid shortsighted jerks!!! Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Hermione (Emma Watson) is so good! From the new POA trailer: Emma's got the best line in the preview, "That felt good." Just after this line, she's got a great uncertain, slightly confused look on her face. Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Music is coming back again as a big part of my escape, my temporary happy oasis. Perhaps I am about as happy and about as unhappy, as I was 15 years ago.... You can't keep holding onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto any longer. Be her friend, or lover. You can't hold on all by yourself. You have to let go....... A new, more precious and appreciative flower awaits. If only you'll let her in.... Monday, March 22, 2004
Sunday, March 21, 2004
In A Girl's Heart 
Sometimes I can't believe the sweetness, the generosity, in a girl's heart. You know, you live and learn. I think I might just appreciate that more, the next time. I might be ready. You can see it, and you don't want to break her heart. That's a pretty powerful influence. Thursday, March 18, 2004
I always knew I liked Randy Travis... Randy says, of George Jones: "If I were doing my top list of a hundred greatest singers of all time, George is always going to be on top." Of his climb in drinking beer while in the marines, George: "The feel goods got to feeling mighty good, and in fact, too good." And more: "Those were days you'd like to say were the good old days, but they wasn't, they were the bad old days." Jones sure looks scary when he makes his duck sound... Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Frolicing Snakes 
Now a couple women at work are telling me about the pair of frolicing snakes, enjoying themselves in today's spring-like sunshine, playing in some water, along the path most people take on walks at breaks and things.... I went walking there, and I didn't see any snakes! Of course they would. Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Abandoned I was listening to the radio this morning, and on one of the commercials someone said, "It felt like I had lost my best friend." This started me thinking, I did lose my best friend. For whatever, and perhaps many reasons, my then best friend, L., abandoned our friendship about a year ago now. At the precise time when I had moved into my new house, in a much better situation than I had been in for the 3 or 4 years prior, she left. The year that might have been quite happy, was thus transformed into a time of loss, of mourning. Mourning what was, what could have been. Monday, March 15, 2004
Some words of wisdom, from The Twilight Zone: You've been looking behind you Martin. Try looking ahead. Sunday, March 14, 2004
A man can think a lot of thoughts, and walk alot of pavements, between afternoon and night. - Rod Serling, 1959. Saturday, March 13, 2004
What cracks me up about Rod Serling is... There he is, standing there in all his 5' 4 * 1/2" brilliance, with a smoking cigarette in his hand! Introducing an episode of the Twilight Zone, one cigarette in his four packs a day habit. And he died at what, 51... Anyway, a ***way*** too short life. I think all the sun he took had a bit of influence too. A warning, for the sun worshipers out there, from The Twilight Zone. {I still maintain, Rod Serling and Dodger great, pitcher Sandy Koufax, look a lot alike. Especially in the late 50s, early 60s....} Why put out your smokeable, just because you're doing the intro to your weekly series? Sterling's great.... "All of you"... he points to us viewers with his cigarette.. "have just entered The Twilight Zone." Like Fallen Angel? Try Falling Angels. Better yet, Brimful Of Asha. - "Everybody needs a bossom for a pillow. Everybody needs a bossom." Thursday, March 11, 2004
"He walked the Earth without a heart." - Rod Serling, 1961, Deaths-Head Revisited Serling was such a genius!!! Dammmmmmmmmmm! I wish The Twilight Zone had aired a thousand years. {And maybe it will, loved by those like me.} The man had guts with his genius. 
That was *bizarre*. Sitting in a meeting with one of the loveliest females I've ever known sitting right across from me. However talking the most, was one of the most monstrous women I have ever known. Ahhhh! Agony and ecstacy. A handful of women have been key to some of the happiest times in my life. Each appeared out of nowhere, completely unexpected and not sought. It was one of those "there is hope" relationships. So when it ended so sadly, what is one to think? Maybe, don't let yourself be fooled, it's just a trick. Then there are always the "OK now I have this, see, like everyone else" types of relationships... Which in a way are not so bad. At least they're more real than the "dream" sorts of relationships, and usually longer lasting too. I'm still working on giving up hope (*that* sort of hope - the now ever more soiled, tired, fantastic hope.) Tuesday, March 09, 2004
I'm coming to the realization, that it could take years to get past the loss of trust I experienced in the last couple years, with a girl. How can you ever completely have faith in another person, after something like that happens? I don't know, although I can imagine years might help. It's odd when I think I want to talk to someone. Then, when I get the chance, I can hardly think what to say to her. It's not so much that I have something particularly to say to her. Just that I want to talk with her. You know? Like, she's cute, and you wonder what she's like. Plus you just want to talk with her. But then, ahhhhhh, what to say! Conversations off the top of my head with girls I barely know, has never been one of my strong suites. Wish it was......... The way it plays out is, she basically has to be an all-star at that sort of thing, or it never gets off the ground. Thursday, March 04, 2004
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Looks like John Edwards is about out of it... Sure hope to see him in the future, the sooner the better. The best candidate lost. He'll win though, give him time. Monday, March 01, 2004
One woman at work was telling another how much she enjoys going to Washington D.C., and visiting many museums there. This got me thinking, who would I go with? I've known one woman in my life, who was fantastic for going to those sorts of things. I wonder if I'll ever know someone like that again? Nerds Cinemania was pretty cool. At one point, one of the nerdy guys who is so into films, says to another, too bad the other guy wasn't a woman, and he could marry him (would then be her.) Then the other guy replies, if more film buffs were gay, they'd all be happy! Ha. Kind of like fans of The Band, or intense reggae fans. Mostly guys... (Edit: Although, from personal experience, I'd say fans of reggae, who really know their stuff, and whose hearts are in it, could feel a lot greater favour with the women than fans of The Band. Band fans might find an (uncommited, unreliable) married woman or two, but that's about it. Really cool reggae fans/collectors might find a reggae woman fan or three, who's into the same stuff, & completely and enthusiastically available. Especially when he's not looking.) So Why Go Out Drinking? Just read this in the current issue of The Onion. "Now, the secret to going out for the night is drinking before you leave the house. At home, you drink for half the cost, and you don't have to tip the guy who gets the beer out of the fridge." Yeah, it costs half or less, the beer is as good or better, and you don't have to wait for your next one. Plus, the music is fantastic. So, why go out drinking? I suppose, if you're feeling flush and social. Saturday, February 28, 2004
Listening to the new Lambchop, that is the first of two advance CDs.. Except, it's putting me to sleep. Sounds like opium grooves. Except, I don't really like opium. Would you be thankful for someone who showed you, a person you could be close to, then never be able to rely on? Is that a girl? What a disappointing experience she was. Her loyalty, a lie. An untrue soul. Never a best friend, never true for life. Her sweetness faded to mud. Thursday, February 26, 2004
Oh Lord... Unfortunately **this** was true today (from a different horoscope.) I was wondering why I'd reacted so strongly to something earlier today. Yeah, that's it, it's the alignment of Pluto and Mercury. I don't care if it makes sense or not, some of that stuff works.: You will tend to get angry, to exchange unkind words with your circle. You will be critical and sometimes malevolent. Watch out for spiteful acts. You will have difficulty controlling yourself. Ha, *this* is why I like to read my horoscopes. Only a couple of the best ones. You have to shop around. Anyway, this is today's: Thursday, February 26, 2004 Apprehensions about work and difficulty in sleeping might leave you vulnerable to depression and mood swings. Do not worry; things are not as bad as you think. See what I mean?! That's kind of cool. God, I miss that girl. How could anyone resist some sweet person always trying to make you feel better when you're feeling blue........ Why would you ever want to give that up. It's amazing how much a guy can miss just a friend/girl. Didn't even sleep with her (she was in no position to.) this doesn't make sense. There was no wild lovemaking with her to remember, and yet, I still miss her... That girl. She: I've been thinking, and you're just not my type. He: (In a terribly delayed reaction) Oh, OK fine. F*** off then. Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Sometimes, you'd think I was a dog who'd been beat or something... I just don't seem to expect someone to treat me really good. Or if if they do, I expect it won't last..... Yeah, I have the emotional make-up of a beat dog! Although I think it could be a combination of not being with the right person for each of those roles, and the fact that I'm probably a tough match. "Hard to live with." Yeah, well.... It's strange knowing that I don't know what I want. I've tried marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, and simply friends with a woman, and none of them worked out in the end. Hmm. Girlfriends tend to be clingy. Marriage can be a real hassle. And just friends can be too distant. So, I'm not even sure what I want, even given the alternatives....Hmmmm. Although, I'm thinking that maybe knowing I don't know what I want, is better than *thinking* I know just what I want. Those old, tired dreams. "If only I was married." Yeah right. "If only her and I were best friends." As if you can rely on anyone. "What a great girlfriend she'd make." Yeah, if you want to spend every waking moment with *anyone*! Saturday, February 21, 2004
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I already like the new Dodgers GM, who wrote, in a very long introduction he posted on the official Dodgers' site: "Why do we have the Electoral College?" Yeah, why do we? It's the majority *doesn't* rule principle, right? A Cloud For me, today: "A cloud of happiness surrounds you." Hey! I never thought of a cloud and happiness as connected before.... Thursday, February 12, 2004
Relaxed Feeling Good OK, this morning I had my longest conversation ever, with a cute, tiny woman, who I've known just barely, for a while (and who's now positioned quite near me..) Then, a couple hours later, I found myself on a walk with another woman, who I've thought might be nice to walk with some time (ha, well, she's nice to *talk* with...she walks a bit fast for me though!) The subtle turn of events for the better started yesterday, when I got an unexpected (and nicely cc'd in my organization) letter of recognition from someone we care about.... Hmm, normally, I might be over-the-top happy. I'm not though. Just sort of relaxed feeling good.... Tuesday, February 10, 2004
"Life Shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." (Anais Nin) Life certainly shrinks and expands at different times. Is that really a key factor? I'm not sure. This is my general mood right now. It's a good thing these things don't last very long: "You will often be prone to fear, imaginary terrors. You will treat everything like a tragedy." They over dramatize things... Monday, February 09, 2004
Sure wish L. were there right now..... I don't think I will ever understand why these things don't work out.... Just right now, I wish..... Saturday, February 07, 2004
"Bent are the quintessential English sonic pirates." "When we're making music we don't want to pressure ourselves into being up our own arses," avows Simon. "We sit there having a laugh and we feel playful, just like kids playing. If you try and be clever it sounds like constipation." (Simon Mills of Bent.) Not So New Bent I knew I haven't been keeping on top of music much the last few months... Just spending time moving on, and without a lot of energy for creative endeavors... That energy seems to be coming back though. :-) About time. ;-) {As you might have guessed, I *like* the little emoticons! I don't see why writing on a blog should be a heck of a lot different than writing in emails. Although I used to have a friend who was often the warmest little thing you'd ever want to know by email, then her blog was not that way at all. Hey, I knew the girl in her too cool twenties, couldn't beat that.} Anyway, the 2003 Bent release, The Everlasting Blink, which I found out about by mistake, while getting some Blink 182 for my favorite young girl (who would protest, she's *not* so young. Ah well.) Mmmm, so far, Everlasting Blink sounds cool and mellow, one of my favorite moods in music... I'm further into it now, through to Beautiful Otherness, and I f'ing love it! Moonbeams sounds dreamily like Hawaiian moonbeams... Mmmmmmm, hula surfer girls dancing to bongo drums. 
Friday, February 06, 2004
This week is turning into something of a dreamfest. The night before last, was a weird dream being driven like a wild man to a restaurant spot, including driving down some pedestrian terraced stairs, to a ramshackle eating place by the waterfront in some unknown, mysterious locale, called "Orangeboom." Then last night, a quick trip in my sleep first to California, where I met a couple of young guys putting together their reggae radio show (for which the play list looked pretty boring to me.) We had a good time though, talking about the music, record stores, and things. Finally, another dream last night, set in Connecticut (first time I've ever been *there* that I know of) again with L. This one was apparently many years back, at her family home.... I've had some wild dreams this week! I'm not detailing them here, wholly, although I have them all written elsewhere. Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Sometimes one might think.... "Well, I *thought* she was a certain way. That's why I liked her. So, I've found that she is quite different, in several ways. How can you be sure a person will be the way you think they are, in two years, in five years? How do you know if your initial (or one year) impressions are accurate?" I found my impressions of my close friend were way off in the end. She was like a different person altogether. It was almost as if, I wasn't giving up my friend, because that person no longer existed. The new one seemed more like a stranger, and a scary stranger at that. Completely opposite to the reaction that I'd felt for the first few years. OK, so, that is all past history. Why am I writing or thinking about it *today*? Because, it affects the way I approach a new relationship now. Can I trust "this" girl? Will she even be who she seems to be? (Assuming we get to the point of months or years...) Ha, I just saw this on NPR, "Reporter Alex Cohen speaks with writer Sasha Cagen, who coined the phrase "quirkyalone" -- a new term for singles not in search of wedded bliss." Funny thing... A woman who used to work here years back returned today to a new position. After a couple hours, she asked me, "so, have you remarried?" No. The really nice thing is, she's the first person who's asked me that, I think (at least, for a long while.) Although, "quirkyalone" sounds very like me, right now! Part of my struggle in the back of my mind, or in a little part of my heart, is thinking of whether I really want to be with anyone, in the near future. How does one try setting these things up? Like, "OK, fine, we can start seeing each other. I like you, and you seem like a good woman to spend time with. Besides which, you're shapely, funny, smart, the right height, and you look young for your age too. However, you know, I'm not all that sold on either living together or marriage type relationships right now. So, I'm not sure what I'd do if it turned out we were each others long lost soul mates or something." I think you kind of need to have that stuff worked out before you start on that sort of path, don't you? Years back, I looked at a dating book (at a time when I was concerned one way or the other about that sort of thing) and one of the biggest pieces of advice was "don't start seeing someone, unless you think they might be 'the one.'" OK, what if you're not sure what you'd want to do with "the one" even if you thought you might have found her though? Is it fair to start something with her, when you're not sure how much of anyone you want in your life then? That's kind of a scary thought. I'm beginning to understand why people say, to someone they're obviously meant to be with, "it's just a bad time for me." Or something like that.. Sometimes, I think that when people have high expectations, they are much harder on whoever it was who they thought this was going to happen with, than they would be on anyone else.... For example, if I discovered a really cool friend, who I felt I related with, better than just about anyone before her, and who I had looked forward to a lifetime of friendship with, then having that die, would be particularly impactful.... I had another dream last night, this time I was in England, with my "family." It's as if I am moving backward in time, one relationship at a time! Last night's was odd. We were visiting an old woman's house. The woman was odd.... She wanted a picture, and my daughter and I stood there waiting... She told me she just wanted my daughter. OK, the fairer sex, right? After a while, I started noticing some very weird things around the house... I had decided that woman was probably a witch, by the time we'd left... Tuesday, February 03, 2004
I don't see why, months later, a ghostly, self-described "false" person from my past should find her way into my dream, now, today. It's not fair. She doesn't care. There are those who do. She has no right to one second of my dream. OK, that's a little harsh. It's just that... I have *now* to deal with. I have a real life. What use are false dreams of false people, who barely seem to live... {Note to self - perhaps it's not a great idea to give a lot of credence to a dream at the start of an emotional critical day.} Now, it's not just the dream, an isolated thing. It's that there is so much to think about in my real life. You see things opening up before you, almost as if by magic... What do you really want though? What are you ready for, now? Can you give someone enough, or indeed everything you have? People write about being emotionally ready, *before* you enter into a new relationship. Yeah, well, how does one know if or when they'll be "ready"? How long do you wait before just plunging ahead anyway? Full of questions... Questions I'd just as soon put back on the back burner. I Had A Strange Dream I had a strange dream last night. An old friend, who actually, I had thought of again in the last couple days, for some reason - came into my dream state. It was right here in PDX, in a large building... I'm not going to describe the dream in full. However, at the end, L. and I were talking, or at least trying to talk. I was having a hard time understanding what she was saying. She was planning to see some band I'd never heard of (which is strange, because that is more my style), and showed me the poster (in her hand.) Then, just before I woke up, I was thinking about whether to invite her over - as she was in *my* city... Very strange and unexpected dream. I have no idea how she got into it... What a strange year, strange 12 months. A best friend who's a girl (and not one's girl, for the hetro guy)? Think again. Dream? Wrong. Move? Yes. Office move? Yes... So far both moves are working out fine. (As much as I generally hate change.) L. turned out completely different than I'd thought. Still don't know exactly what to think - so I generally don't think anything about it. However, can one move on, and leave that strange unknown, ultimately apparently false - which had seemed like such a cool thing, not all that long ago. Do you know? How many apparently good things can turn out badly, before you learn that there are no good things, for you? Yeah, L., apparently just one more. When is a close friendship *ever* worth the effort? Is close friendship really a good model with a girl? Hmmmmmmmmm, romance is a lot more fun. Plus, you don't have to hear about guys! Or guys' bodies! Ha, yeah, hmmm. Yeah, I'd say I am much more of a romantic first, friend second, to a girl. Do you really want to try though? How can you have some faith, some confidence, that this girl, this young woman on the horizon, will perhaps turn out differently. That somehow your relationship could be true, real, lasting. It's like, "Can I give her a real effort? Can I believe in a girl?" It's so strange when you find one you think you can believe in for the long run, in some role, and she goes "poof" quietly. Why then, bother? I can imagine some strange conversation, "you know, I'd had my eye on you for months, and now, in the last couple, obviously you've noticed me too.... So why am I not moving a little faster? Hmm, well, I am not sure I believe in girls any more." Ha hah ah..... I would never say that to someone, but I might think it. (Trying not to..) How about John Edwards! Double digit win in his native South Carolina, and now, he's got a chance in Oklahoma too... There may be hope yet. Wow, right now, in OK, Clark's got 72,398 to Edwards' 72,387. They just keep tipping back and forth! (With Kerry lagging back at about 62K votes, Dean and the others far behind.) Wait! Now Edwards has jumped back ahead by 105 votes in OK... This is fun. |
