Just Dreaming |
|
|
Saturday, February 07, 2004
"Bent are the quintessential English sonic pirates." "When we're making music we don't want to pressure ourselves into being up our own arses," avows Simon. "We sit there having a laugh and we feel playful, just like kids playing. If you try and be clever it sounds like constipation." (Simon Mills of Bent.) Not So New Bent I knew I haven't been keeping on top of music much the last few months... Just spending time moving on, and without a lot of energy for creative endeavors... That energy seems to be coming back though. :-) About time. ;-) {As you might have guessed, I *like* the little emoticons! I don't see why writing on a blog should be a heck of a lot different than writing in emails. Although I used to have a friend who was often the warmest little thing you'd ever want to know by email, then her blog was not that way at all. Hey, I knew the girl in her too cool twenties, couldn't beat that.} Anyway, the 2003 Bent release, The Everlasting Blink, which I found out about by mistake, while getting some Blink 182 for my favorite young girl (who would protest, she's *not* so young. Ah well.) Mmmm, so far, Everlasting Blink sounds cool and mellow, one of my favorite moods in music... I'm further into it now, through to Beautiful Otherness, and I f'ing love it! Moonbeams sounds dreamily like Hawaiian moonbeams... Mmmmmmm, hula surfer girls dancing to bongo drums. 
Friday, February 06, 2004
This week is turning into something of a dreamfest. The night before last, was a weird dream being driven like a wild man to a restaurant spot, including driving down some pedestrian terraced stairs, to a ramshackle eating place by the waterfront in some unknown, mysterious locale, called "Orangeboom." Then last night, a quick trip in my sleep first to California, where I met a couple of young guys putting together their reggae radio show (for which the play list looked pretty boring to me.) We had a good time though, talking about the music, record stores, and things. Finally, another dream last night, set in Connecticut (first time I've ever been *there* that I know of) again with L. This one was apparently many years back, at her family home.... I've had some wild dreams this week! I'm not detailing them here, wholly, although I have them all written elsewhere. Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Sometimes one might think.... "Well, I *thought* she was a certain way. That's why I liked her. So, I've found that she is quite different, in several ways. How can you be sure a person will be the way you think they are, in two years, in five years? How do you know if your initial (or one year) impressions are accurate?" I found my impressions of my close friend were way off in the end. She was like a different person altogether. It was almost as if, I wasn't giving up my friend, because that person no longer existed. The new one seemed more like a stranger, and a scary stranger at that. Completely opposite to the reaction that I'd felt for the first few years. OK, so, that is all past history. Why am I writing or thinking about it *today*? Because, it affects the way I approach a new relationship now. Can I trust "this" girl? Will she even be who she seems to be? (Assuming we get to the point of months or years...) Ha, I just saw this on NPR, "Reporter Alex Cohen speaks with writer Sasha Cagen, who coined the phrase "quirkyalone" -- a new term for singles not in search of wedded bliss." Funny thing... A woman who used to work here years back returned today to a new position. After a couple hours, she asked me, "so, have you remarried?" No. The really nice thing is, she's the first person who's asked me that, I think (at least, for a long while.) Although, "quirkyalone" sounds very like me, right now! Part of my struggle in the back of my mind, or in a little part of my heart, is thinking of whether I really want to be with anyone, in the near future. How does one try setting these things up? Like, "OK, fine, we can start seeing each other. I like you, and you seem like a good woman to spend time with. Besides which, you're shapely, funny, smart, the right height, and you look young for your age too. However, you know, I'm not all that sold on either living together or marriage type relationships right now. So, I'm not sure what I'd do if it turned out we were each others long lost soul mates or something." I think you kind of need to have that stuff worked out before you start on that sort of path, don't you? Years back, I looked at a dating book (at a time when I was concerned one way or the other about that sort of thing) and one of the biggest pieces of advice was "don't start seeing someone, unless you think they might be 'the one.'" OK, what if you're not sure what you'd want to do with "the one" even if you thought you might have found her though? Is it fair to start something with her, when you're not sure how much of anyone you want in your life then? That's kind of a scary thought. I'm beginning to understand why people say, to someone they're obviously meant to be with, "it's just a bad time for me." Or something like that.. Sometimes, I think that when people have high expectations, they are much harder on whoever it was who they thought this was going to happen with, than they would be on anyone else.... For example, if I discovered a really cool friend, who I felt I related with, better than just about anyone before her, and who I had looked forward to a lifetime of friendship with, then having that die, would be particularly impactful.... I had another dream last night, this time I was in England, with my "family." It's as if I am moving backward in time, one relationship at a time! Last night's was odd. We were visiting an old woman's house. The woman was odd.... She wanted a picture, and my daughter and I stood there waiting... She told me she just wanted my daughter. OK, the fairer sex, right? After a while, I started noticing some very weird things around the house... I had decided that woman was probably a witch, by the time we'd left... Tuesday, February 03, 2004
I don't see why, months later, a ghostly, self-described "false" person from my past should find her way into my dream, now, today. It's not fair. She doesn't care. There are those who do. She has no right to one second of my dream. OK, that's a little harsh. It's just that... I have *now* to deal with. I have a real life. What use are false dreams of false people, who barely seem to live... {Note to self - perhaps it's not a great idea to give a lot of credence to a dream at the start of an emotional critical day.} Now, it's not just the dream, an isolated thing. It's that there is so much to think about in my real life. You see things opening up before you, almost as if by magic... What do you really want though? What are you ready for, now? Can you give someone enough, or indeed everything you have? People write about being emotionally ready, *before* you enter into a new relationship. Yeah, well, how does one know if or when they'll be "ready"? How long do you wait before just plunging ahead anyway? Full of questions... Questions I'd just as soon put back on the back burner. I Had A Strange Dream I had a strange dream last night. An old friend, who actually, I had thought of again in the last couple days, for some reason - came into my dream state. It was right here in PDX, in a large building... I'm not going to describe the dream in full. However, at the end, L. and I were talking, or at least trying to talk. I was having a hard time understanding what she was saying. She was planning to see some band I'd never heard of (which is strange, because that is more my style), and showed me the poster (in her hand.) Then, just before I woke up, I was thinking about whether to invite her over - as she was in *my* city... Very strange and unexpected dream. I have no idea how she got into it... What a strange year, strange 12 months. A best friend who's a girl (and not one's girl, for the hetro guy)? Think again. Dream? Wrong. Move? Yes. Office move? Yes... So far both moves are working out fine. (As much as I generally hate change.) L. turned out completely different than I'd thought. Still don't know exactly what to think - so I generally don't think anything about it. However, can one move on, and leave that strange unknown, ultimately apparently false - which had seemed like such a cool thing, not all that long ago. Do you know? How many apparently good things can turn out badly, before you learn that there are no good things, for you? Yeah, L., apparently just one more. When is a close friendship *ever* worth the effort? Is close friendship really a good model with a girl? Hmmmmmmmmm, romance is a lot more fun. Plus, you don't have to hear about guys! Or guys' bodies! Ha, yeah, hmmm. Yeah, I'd say I am much more of a romantic first, friend second, to a girl. Do you really want to try though? How can you have some faith, some confidence, that this girl, this young woman on the horizon, will perhaps turn out differently. That somehow your relationship could be true, real, lasting. It's like, "Can I give her a real effort? Can I believe in a girl?" It's so strange when you find one you think you can believe in for the long run, in some role, and she goes "poof" quietly. Why then, bother? I can imagine some strange conversation, "you know, I'd had my eye on you for months, and now, in the last couple, obviously you've noticed me too.... So why am I not moving a little faster? Hmm, well, I am not sure I believe in girls any more." Ha hah ah..... I would never say that to someone, but I might think it. (Trying not to..) How about John Edwards! Double digit win in his native South Carolina, and now, he's got a chance in Oklahoma too... There may be hope yet. Wow, right now, in OK, Clark's got 72,398 to Edwards' 72,387. They just keep tipping back and forth! (With Kerry lagging back at about 62K votes, Dean and the others far behind.) Wait! Now Edwards has jumped back ahead by 105 votes in OK... This is fun. Dean, sheesh! I think he's lost touch with reality. OK, so his wife is cute, in a goofy, nerdy way. However, he's deluding himself.... At least Leiberman seems to be coming to his senses. I think it's something about Connecticut? After New Hampshire, he kept talking about how he had tied for third. Ha hahaa! He was fifth, with the closest two guys to him having 12 and 13 percent, with Joe at 9 percent. He *is* pretty amusing though... Gorgeous brown-haired daughter, too! Joe's got a funny way of stretching out words too... "As I go awaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to my funny little state...." |
