Just Dreaming |
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Friday, November 07, 2003
Past Stuff I probably get carried away with my thoughts on past relationships and things? Perhaps a little harsh (Edit, just deleted some of the least nice ones.) Thursday, November 06, 2003
Gorgeous Girl  Well, I ran into Gorgeous Girl this evening before heading back to my house. We smiled and wished each other a good evening... Sure wish I knew her better. Someone else new followed me out the door right after. It was a good scene. Can't imagine having good vibes today, but it happened. Damm, Gorgeous Girl is so nice, and so charming. Unmarried, yes. Haven't found out yet if she has boyfriend. She must.... Actually, I know someone who could find out for me. However, if I asked her to find out, everyone would find out I asked - she's got a big mouth! Hmm, now why can't I determine *this* by ESP or something?? Never I hate falling in love. I think I actively fight that feeling, if I feel it forming, now. It never seems to work out. It just screws up your life. Turn The Switch I'm tired and emotionally low. I've had near death sort of stress in the last couple weeks. I suppose it's not the best time to write in Just Dreaming. You know how sometimes perhaps you see reality, however you see it in the worst possible light? It's just one of those things. There are other times, and often then I don't take the time to write at those times here, when everything is fine, and I'm irrationally happy. Or at least, smoothly happy.... *uck! I'd like to turn the switch and see things that way right now. Everything Crash Sometimes, some days, it's like a freight train hits you, emotionally. It seems like things die before they get started. And, you may not even know why. Then, in that same emotional vein, something which was once a silver lining, and turned into the darkest night, comes rushing back - as if it was fresh. Which it isn't, and I'm sure the subject of those thoughts long ago stopped reading this. It's like that Ethiopians' song, "Everything Crash." But why? I hate it when I start getting my hopes up in certain ways... It's much easier to expect nothing. Life's smoother than way. Love and hate, two sides of the same coin. Wretched cold-hearted woman. That shouldn't be allowed. ;-)  Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Lesbians? Looking around for more relatively early Shirley MacLaine locally, I found the DVD of The Children's Hour. "A troublemaking student at a girl's school accuses two teachers of being lesbians." Ha ah aha! This was 1961. Wow. Or this, "still seems to pussyfoot timidly around the issues." He hehee... Actually, in a way it's not so funny. I know a now retired teacher, who was terrified that any number of things might be perceived about her, and which might screw up her career. I suppose one of the problems with reading reviews before you get to view the movie yourself, is spoilers, like; "She then does 'the right thing' - kills herself - the familiar movie solution for social misfits, reserved for traitors, monsters, and perverts." What if she were all three? ;-) I don't see a woman killing herself over that. Nah, she'd just move on. Wouldn't she? "But as it is, the movie veers toward a depiction of Women as somehow being Evil." Well, sometimes she somehow is evil. It Makes No Sense Logically, if a friendship one had been counting on falls apart, turns out false, that result shouldn't really be projected into the future. The next friend is not more likely to be untrue because of this. In fact, maybe one's luck would change, having gotten that not so good experience out of the way. Same applies to womankind. Just because one woman turned out less than you hoped, does not at all mean the next one will be that way. Maybe it's the luck of the draw. The next one could turn out just the opposite - true, faithful, reliable....... It makes no sense to let one's damaged heart fog up one's future. The Apartment The movie The Apartment has lots of corporate sleezeball men in it, which give a bad taste in one's mouth. However, Jack Lemmon is likable in it. Shirley MacLaine is lovely as an elevator operator circa 1960. Looking at Lemmon's hapless character, she wonders, "Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice, like you?" The film turns out sweet in the end. I was beginning to wonder! Two Dreams I've had two unusual dreams in the last 24 hours. Yesterday, not feeling well, I was home dreaming midday, and awoke a little after noon. I was somewhere else, perhaps across the country, in a place I didn't recognize. L. suddenly started painting my hair white. Yes, painting! With a paintbrush. I was so shocked, at first I didn't do anything. Then I thought, "ugh!" and pulled away. It seemed a little weird, but she often did unexpected things, so it wasn't *that* surprising. I asked what sort of paint she was using, so I could figure out how to get it out. Luckily, it turned out to be latex, so I washed it out with water... The other dream happened early this morning. This one, I wish I could just go back into. I was lounging around in bed with two young women...kind of. Then we got up. They later both got into a tubular blanket thing, on the bed, and the one I knew better invited me to join them. So I started up into this thing. I could see myself moving up into it, actually on the side of the girl I didn't know so well. As I moved up, I could see my lips start kissing this girl. However, I knew this wasn't really what I was supposed to be doing right off, so I told my lips, which again, I could see from the bottom up, to stop it - this wasn't the right time for that. As I continued to move up and join them, I woke up. I want to go back. They were nice. Monday, November 03, 2003
Delusions "Beware of your delusions, in love as well as in business. You'll tend to idealize your heart's desire too much, which may cause you trouble." - - This is supposed to be for today, however in love it seems to be true usually. You idealize your heart's desire too much, then she lets you down... step by step. The ideal fades and fades, until there's nothing left. Then you wonder, is there any "heart's desire" who is actually worthy of the title? Is every one of them bound to let you down? Hmm, just because a particular girl doesn't seem worth the effort, should one really extrapolate that to anyone else? Just because she didn't turn out... That's the trouble with idealizing someone. If she does not live up to an ideal, and she did not - - you wonder if there exists such an ideal. Or is illusion the rule? If she was not real, does another stand the chance of being real? Would you let one person screw up your vision of the ideal? It's strange how a person can take a particular let down, so seriously. What's that song, "You look like an angel, you act like an angel.... but you're the devil in disguise." OK, well, that's an exaggeration. Same pricipal though. Sunday, November 02, 2003
Warmth I'd like a girl, who loves me as much as my mother does, and has, all my life. Is that possible? I think it might be... I actually thought I'd found a woman *friend*, not a sexual friend, and couldn't be, but I thought maybe she would have the same sort of devotion as my mother. Seemed like it, for years. Then, it stopped..... However, I think there is a girl, who can love a guy, if it's the right guy, and the right girl... Who can love a guy for life, and be equally devoted. It's cool being someone's favorite - which I've felt with my mom. Maybe that was part of the problem with my friend. I could never be her favorite, basically by definition. So, I would never be satisfied with what she could give. Although, she gave a lot, for years. Some of the best warmth I've ever felt in my life. Cozy, Dark, Comforting Winter  The nice thing about winter... (well, it seems like winter. We went from record 80 degree days in mid-October, to a record 26 degree morning yesterday)...The nice thing about winter is, it seems like you have a longer evening, or at least the dark part. I mean, it feels like "night time" when it's dark. I like the night. Nights are when I am not working, and when I can generally do as I please. So, when it gets dark at about 5:00PM, that leaves a lot more hours of comforting, free night time - - before bed time... Now, it's snowing! Not the sticking kind, but it sure is beautiful, out my window. I love that field I live next to, at times like this. I can watch the snow flakes in the breeze, with the varied green trees in the background.. Another nice thing about winter (which to me, seems to go from about November through February. The idea that it actually starts in December, doesn't make any sense) is the nice warm fire in my fireplace, right now! Cozy and warm.....mmmm. |
