Just Dreaming |
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Saturday, March 01, 2003
Blogging Away  It's a cold, dark night here too, Avril.... Instead of writing each other - people can just write off into space. Their blogs, for all to see. Nothing private. No love for anyone in particular. Not a shared friendship. It's a step backward in humanity (usually - with exceptions now and then.) Blogs.... And here I am blogging away, of course... People lose a lot of charm writing to no one in particular (or at least they *can*.) I'm probably demonstrating that now? Ah well, one can always delete it later - unlike an email actually sent to another life. No, this is sent to no one and everyone. To the moon. There is no moon tonight.... [My blog sure alternates between light and dark, doesn't it? It's true to life.] Spiritually Wanting Ooo... A scientist trying to pontificate about spiritual matters. Pretty sad. Scientists seem to be (generally) some of the more clueless people in the universe about anything spiritual. They just don't get it. No idea. Not at all tuned in... He he, he should talk to me. Ah well... I'd rather know than not. Sure Feels Like It It seems much more like 11:30PM than 8:30. That's winter for you. It's gotten chilly out. Not bitterly cold, like a few days ago. Chilly like you want a jacket with a hood though... Honestly, if you told me it was past midnight, I'd believe you. It feels like it...All our snow's fallen a few thousand miles east, this winter... {Perhaps that was the first, and last time?} Oh Lord, I love this song... Seem To Relate I just went out to check the stars... Some figure was approaching in the distance with a dog. I was thinking it was a woman... The dog came near, a big black dog.. It ruffed a little. I'm strangely unafraid of dogs, including big dogs. Seem to relate to them. "He's a creampuff," the guy following the big dog intoned... I looked back up at the stars. Wish my eyes were better. I think I'll have to take my binoculars out next time. Maybe another shirt over this one too... Although, it's quite mild. I love it when it's like this... Fair and calm. :-) They're Out! I love Avril Lavigne... She's so full of passion. Just went out to look at the stars... They're out! :-) Cooking some pizza... I think I'll go out a little later, when it's really dark. Hopefully no UFOs will come down. Not that I've ever seen any here yet.. Just seems like the sort of place one would if they were going to, in the city. That was cool - someone wrote me about my feeling for life... Maybe blogs aren't so worthless after all. Haah aha.. Guess I better get the pizza out before it burns to a crisp... My New Field Of Vision  Damm I love this neighborhood... I was just leaning out the window, taking a photo or two near sunset..."You Don't Have To Be So Sad" slightly blaring out... Along came a man with a cap. Almost into my field of vision. He smiled real big and said, "Hi there." :-) Grooving Along Someone was walking by, and it could have been me, when I feel like dancing. I like to think he heard this song, and couldn't resist grooving to it as he walked along. Oh man.... That sounds bad? I do groove when I walk though. Some people don't like it. They can do something rude. ;-) Or, I couldn't give a flip what *they* think. Oh, it's glorious!!! Spring's come early, and I get to listen to this YLT to it... I love being *right here*... The view. Oh man. Why Be Sad? "Tiny Birds" continues the dreamlike state... Mmmm, I was dreaming away last night too.. Nice long sleep. Wish I could say I was 100% well now, I'm not. I've been a lot worse though. Can't be too unhappy with the gorgeous day out there... I wish I had my back yard grass in, sort of. Although, not having it in yet means, I am not mowing it today, like my next door neighbor is his. Yo La Tengo's gotten more sophisticated, and more mellow, over the years... Still plenty warm though. Wow!! They keep amazing me... Now, it's "Don't Have To Be Sad"... With music like this, why be sad? Flipping cool! "'Cause I love you so, and I pray you know...." You won't have to be so sad.... Little Eyes Just previewing Yo La Tengo's new album in advance, "Summer Sun'.... So far I like it a lot. It fits today perfectly for me. A sunny lazy day. Nice mellow lazy music. "Little Eyes" being my favourite so far... Waiting in my just washed car at the DQ, a dog walked by, with it's owner... I liked it. I looked over and was smiling at the big puppy. Then it looked over and noticed me, or maybe my music. I think it was smiling back at me, and wagging it's tail. Happy little dog. It *felt* me.... YLT's charming as ever... I'm still kind of under the weather, er, the flu bug - or I'd be outside working on one thing or another... "Today Is The Day" is gorgeous, too. Beautiful, dreamy song for a lovely first day of March. This Is Cool  Now that the game has finally started.. I'm thinking it's time for a shower. After a winter of no Dodgers, I'm in no mood to miss a game, even Spring Training. Hey, no problem! I'll just turn on my new gadget, and I can listen on the radio in the bathroom - a thousand miles from the nearest Dodgers broadcasting affiliate. Cool. Door To Door I didn't mind them too much. A young boy, maybe 6 or so, all dressed up, along with his Dad, came up to my door just now. Who uses the "Awake!" magazines? I'll have to look that up. Poor little guy was kind of hesitant, wanting to tell me some "good news" about something... Opening the door, I'd say the good news today is the beautiful day outside.. So anyway, I told them they could leave their magazine if they wanted, however I already "pretty much" have my faith already and that I didn't think I really needed another. They smiled, I smiled and they went upon their way. Friday, February 28, 2003
Two Weeks In, At My New Place I enjoy watching the girls play soccer in the field. They're so cute. :-) I like cranking my stereo at will. The incredible silence. That's the odd thing... I *see* the soccer players. However I don't *hear* them. I think maybe it's the windows. It's almost odd, but I love it.... I have to say - the quiet was a little unnerving at first. I'd lay in bed at night, listen, then turn on my radio to mask the silence. I'm getting used to it though. The noisiest thing in here is the gas furnace... Overall I like it better than my old baseboard heat I'd say... Although baseboard, room by room heat has it's advantages... I like the dryness. My towels dry a lot quicker in the bathroom than they did in the old place. I like my field... I love opening my drapes when it's rainy and stormy out. I can watch the raindrops, and I can watch the trees move. I like the evergreens all around the field... Between the grass and the trees, it's very green, even in the middle of the winter. There's hope. Sometimes, nice looking women come and play with their dogs in the field. I like that... Actually, I pretty much enjoy all the women who come out.... (The men can be kind of annoying sometimes... Like they'll come right up to my place, when there's a huge open space they could do whatever they happen to be doing in. The women seem to be more polite, and nicer. Plus, they are the fairer sex.) I love being able to come home, and if there's a good radio program on, like today's about Mr. Rogers, I can turn up a couple radios, and enjoy it wherever I go in the house. I like walking around the house. It's still strange. It *seems* like quite a little walk from one part to the other. I like being all on one level. I'm just not that great on stairs, at home. Takes too much concentration. I can really space out while I'm in the middle of something, or maybe I've had a beer or three, here, and there's little danger of me falling down, or up, the stairs - since there aren't any. I usually like the kids off in the distance playing. I never seem to hear them in here... I like seeing them though. They're so full of life. I think it will be cool this spring sitting out back, hearing them playing too. (In the distance...) I love the lack of sounds of traffic. There basically isn't any traffic back here... It's so much different from where I just moved from... I love all the storage places... Shelves and more shelves... Plus the floor space. It makes it easier and more fun to unpack and organize things. So far, the kitchen is almost done. (Note, this feels really unfinished. I think I'll go ahead and post it though. Maybe I'll revise it, or just go into different things later. Finally hooked up my regular TV tonight - just broadcast and whatever I'd recorded previously, for now...) It's Not An Act I always thought Mr. Rogers was some strange act... I think I would have respected him more, if I'd ever guessed that was his sincere self... Woo hoo! Just got back my security deposit in the mail today! That was quick! They were sure a lot better about it than my previous place... As I was driving over from Costco, I saw some "house for rent" signs... Lately, they don't go so fast as they used to (in this area.) It's hard to believe, not long ago, I really wanted to *rent* a house.... (Ha hah a, they're interviewing Mr. Rogers now, er, public radio archives of interviews. He's a real nice guy - but he still drives me nuts!!! I do find him likeable - maybe if he had a different voice and style...) For Tomorrow:  "You will have a mad desire to party, you will abuse the pleasures that Life offers." Yeah maybe. I don't have to move, or work, and if I'm over this sickness, that sounds good. :-) "You will over-spend dramatically." Sounds like maybe I'll be choosing a new PC? Maybe a DVD players? :-) "As you want to be attractive, you will have affairs which will be short-lived but pleasant for you." Sure, why not? Sometimes I can really charm people if I want to. :-) Which helps at work. Thursday, February 27, 2003
It Works! Wow! It works! The dining room ceiling fan/light we'd all written off as not working... several of us, including the home inspector... Works!!! It was just a matter of finding the "hidden" switch on an unexpected spot on the wall. Cool.... Finding a few little treasures tonight. Practical ones anyway. They left several electrical outlets, brand new ones. Plus light switches. Also, two different outdoor motion detector lights, which I'd like to install, or have installed... Mr Rogers Mr. Rogers always drove me nuts when I saw him, in the olden days, on public TV... However, I heard something this morning on NPR, which made me think a little differently. Interviewed, he was asked to comment on how some people are put off by his on-air personality. He stated, his on air personality was exactly the same as his off air personality, and he liked it! He saw no reason to change himself just to please some other people. :-) I see he was an ordained Presbytarian minister too... Perhaps he has gone on to his "reward"... Out mayor has really impressed me lately... The way she helped negotiate a plan for the city to help restore school days, in a very tough time here. That was impressive. I have to say, I wasn't in the city before, although if I was, I wouldn't have voted for her then. She's really showing some leadership though...I may have to rethink what I think about her! I feel like I'm boiling... Hmm, between the flu and the garlic, I guess. I hope it works, I'm sick of being sick. At Work That was nice. I needed to go down the hall, so there I went, feeling weak in my legs, and just completely unsociable. First some woman wanted to show me something she found weird or whatever. I grunted. Then, heading back, I went over for a drink of water. As I turned the corner, there was that mystery girl with the light brown hair again. She smiled real big at me. Weird. Then I caught the blonde out of the corner of my eye... I'm starting to think, the most likely ones I might get to know here, are the light brown and blonde ones. The red haired girl, I am not sure... I haven't gotten quite the strong impression she might be interested. Some impression, just not as strong. So, will my next girlfriend come from work, or from my neighborhood? (Where I met a kindly old man on Tuesday, "Scoggins," while I felt terrible, out checking my mail. When He Was Sick My oldest brother Terry once told me something. Years back, he had been divorced a while from a woman he loved a lot. He was just dating again, at the time. He told me, the only time he really misses having a wife was when he was sick. I can relate to that. Although, he remarried not long after, and has been married ever since. I think I should have an automatic switch, at least while I am unmarried (which may be for the rest of my life.) The switch would prevent me from contacting *anyone*, when I'm feeling particularly lousy. Like this week. Who knows who I may have alienated, the last few days. I should be well by now. Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Ugh, I don't know why I had to get sick all of a sudden. Tired is one thing. But sick?! The thing about being sick is, it tends to isolate you more. Your friends avoid you. You're stuck inside, so you don't have nice chance encounters with people. You start thinking all these awful things, because you feel lousy. (Especially if your TV isn't hooked up yet, so you can't really zone out that well..) This is one thing my once wife was good at. She was always extra-nice to me when I was sick. :-) Of course, I don't get sick very often, so there you have it. Tired, down, slightly sick. I suppose it's partly just an anti-climax and recovery from weeks of moving. Plus no one seems to be around. And of course, I still haven't gotten my real TV hooked up... I suppose if I could find the right box, I do have some good stuff on tape. Way too much work right now though.. Caring Girl  Emotionally, I suppose the best choice would be the sort of comforting, caring girl, I've gone with, though not recently. The thing is, such a girl seems to expect a whole lot of expression of affection from me, too. Constantly. How do you reach some happy medium? Someone who is warm to you, but not too demanding of you. Who is happy with what you give them... Hmm, perhaps it's a matter of finding the right person? Trying out more? I don't see myself as an "intellectual." I've always thought of intellectuals as boring.. Still do. I think it's true I like people, er, I like girls like me. Independent loners! Ha ah ahaa.... Perfect to engage in a relationship with!!! ;-) I love girls - those alien little things. Tuesday, February 25, 2003
The nice thing about people in one's everyday, local life, is they're there. You look up, there they are. You can talk if you want... Sure, they might not feel like talking much, however, they're there when you are..... On-line, that's often not true. "Here I am, where are you!" It's a weakness of the medium. Ephedra The people before me didn't quite clean the place out... One of the miscellaneous items I found last week, was a mostly full bottle of diet pills, containing ephedra... "Ahh, my chance," I thought, "to try something I would never actually buy.... Hey, wouldn't want it to go to waste." I was curious. It was tempting. I threw it out (after it sat on the kitchen counter a few days...) Mystified "Loved ones may be difficult to understand." (This week.) True, maybe it's just me though. Sometimes I think I understand people very well.. Other times, I'm mystified. My TV OK, I'm starting to miss my TV... Looks like I'm going to have to actually decide on something, soon.. [On the local level... Alright! Our teachers and the school district have reached some sort of agreement.] An Unexpected Girl "You will have unexpected good fortune and lucky opportunities." This has been incredibly true lately. It's almost like a dream. It seems like every week, I get an unexpected check, or gift (just wrote "girl" by mistake - yeah, I get an unexpected girl a week - I'm a busy man! ;-)) or something for "no charge." It's been a fun period that way. He Likes...  "He likes isolation, a withdrawn life, dreams and meditation." ... True. "Lovers will come and go, and then come back again." ... True. "He is highly intellectual. He travels a lot." ... Of course, (;-)) and I will again. "He likes working in peace and alone." ... True. "He gets angry and carried away a lot. He is provocative, impulsive, dynamic and bold." .... Mostly not seriously, and well, yes. "Likes everything that is beautiful, likes decorum. Outstanding intelligence." ... Right. "Highly imaginative." ... Yes. "He is self-contained, resolute, tenacious. Likes freedom of action and independence." ... True. "He has his own way of thinking about a subject, he has his own ideas about things." ... Very much. "Weaknesses: hard, unforgiving, rigorous, insensitive and sometimes inhuman." ... Inhuman? "Weaknesses: he can have problems, because he gets involved in doubtful situations through trusting too much." ... Problematic. "He likes flowery language; he is very sensitive and detests anything vulgar." ... True. "Likes foreign travel." ... True. "Selectivity in friends, but is not influenced by them." ... Very true, and oh, really? "Intelligence geared towards ways of making money, becoming rich." .... Ha hahaha... "He will leave the family home reasonably young." ... Could hardly wait. "With lofty feelings, he is full of tenderness, sentimentality." ... True. "Things do not always go his way." ... True. "A meeting with a person who is either not free, too young or ...." ... Yeah. "Fertile imagination. He is easily influenced." ... Mmm hmm. "Friends must resemble him, anyone having different ideas or ways of doing things cannot be friends." ... :-) "Marriage doesn't bring luck" ... So far, so true. "His life is out-of-the-ordinary, with lots of changes and a great knowledge of the world not through reading but through personal experience." ... Yeah. "He likes to be surrounded by original people, artists." ... True. "He has a great need of his independence, likes his freedom of action." ... Within the unfortunate limits of making a living. "He goes to excess in his pleasures, frequents doubtful company." ... He heh ehe. "He likes to live in a dream, in the imaginary." ... Hey, Just Dreaming. "He likes to direct, is intelligent and is an organizer of the first order." ... Yes. "He likes to have his own ideas about things, to form an opinion and think over the problems it poses. He is an intellectual." ... He lives in his mind. "A varied love life and a sometimes dubious morality." ... Well.... "He has a great sense of observation and quickly grasps the situation." ... Of course. "He has a good grasp of reality and of duty." ... Yeah. "In love, his sentiments are sincere and deep, he never plays false." ... True and perhaps unfortunately. I don't feel very well today. (Edit: Girls are cute playing soccer. I think I'm going to enjoy spring soccer a lot. Their pretty, girlish faces. :-)) There Are Days There are days when it would probably be just as well if I didn't express myself at all. Today is better. Although, I feel no compunction to reveal myself today. Monday, February 24, 2003
Some girl just called looking for Lindsey. I love girls. The world would be a lot more boring without them. There might be an unattached red head, another new person at work.. I don't even know her name yet. I should learn it. :-) And see if I can find out something more about her.... Then she'll probably read my blog, and think I'm crazy or something. My templates from the past, of what to think when I'm in a relationship, what to dream of, what to expect... For one reason or another, none of those seem correct any more. So I don't know what to think!!!!! I don't know if I'd even know a dream girl if I knew her. I imagine I'll get un-mixed-up at some point? How would you ever really know a girl really loves you? Can you know you really love her? You'd think I'd have figured out some things like this by now... No, I thought I had at one time or another. Brown Haired Brown Eyed Girl I listened while she told me, the guys go for the blondes... She's a pretty girl with brown hair. I don't really care so much about hair colour, but I don't think I convinced her... Now, if I should go with this blonde... "See!!!" It's *not* true though. A lot of who at least I go for, is the cute girl, who likes me. I don't really know why one girl does and another girl doesn't. But if she ends up being blonde, it's not because she is blonde! The brown haired girl is taken! There aren't any great looking red haired single girls around me - who like me. Darn. This girl with the blonde-complex seems to have about as many paranoias as me - and she seems a lot more social....She is. I want to figure out ways to make her feel better... I love her. I don't know my new neighbors at all... I'm the new kid on the block. Everyone close to me, seem to be married couples. Hmm, well, now that I don't have to worry about moving with every spare moment, I'll get out there more. Where do the unattached women around my little neighborhood live? :-) Or, how shall I at least know which ones they are, like over at the field walking their dogs? Nice looking married women are nice to have around, no complaints there... How will I figure out ones which aren't though? I've always been pretty bad at that. ;-) I love them too much! That's the trouble! The thing is, if I like a girl, I couldn't care what she does, what she makes (or doesn't make.....) All that's not relavent. I think the only way I'd meet a girl who can support herself - is just by chance. Cute Enough I think I might meet some older, established women, in my new neighborhood. The homeowners with their dogs. Surely some of them are unattached. Possibly self-sufficient too, so I am not so paranoid about possibly screwing up my financial future, which seems to be moving rapidly in the right direction once again.... Isn't that awful? "Let's be practical....." If she was cute though.... My Life In My Head It's like, sometimes, I think I live my entire life in my head. Almost. "Don't think so much, Matthew." Just go with your instincts, go with your intuition now and then... As if you can really *think* your way to the right person for you. Be it a girlfriend, wife, or a friend... "Oh yes, she's cute, and she's nice. I think she's quite worth the trouble of getting to know." Then I'll think, "Yes, but you know, she does seem pretty young. Would that mean, she's not going to be happy, if you really hit it off, unless you give her some children?" Well, I *can* do that. Plenty of fertility, and the genes are fine... Then what though?! I think about every relationship changes, once the woman has children. *They* become much of her focus. Instead of being your girl, they're mommy. Which is a good thing to be, but it *can* be pretty lousy for a guy. Ha haahaha!!! So, I can look at a perfectly viable young woman, seemingly interested and here and now and.... I can project her making me unhappy at some unknown time in the future. Sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-) Ranting This is typical!!! Here I am ranting on and on about this or that here the last couple days.... I go out shopping a little, grabbing, among other things, some of those fake logs, just to have something to stick in my fireplace some time soon, and help the wet wood sitting outside, to burn. I put one of the packages up on the counter for the lady to scan in, pointing out the others still in my cart. After a little bit, she hands it back to me. Without thinking twice I reach out with one hand, grip the package and put it back into my cart. She's all amazed! You'd think I had done something really unbelievable.... She was looking at me like I'd done some incredible fete. Ha. She, "I could never have done that, grabbing that with one hand...Wow." I muttered something like, "I didn't think about it, I just reached for it...." (Knowing, hey, I could have dropped that package on my foot!) I was still there, getting my other things, and she goes on... "My hand could never do that. I don't have the strenth in my hand, my wrist, my arm, my shoulder.." He hehehe..... I suppose I *do* have strong hands. He he... Didn't seem that dramatic from my point of view though.. I like to test if I can do things like that, and stretch a little, even if it hurts. Sometimes foolishly, but what the heck. I liked it. *I* have strong hands. Yeah....... Then after stopping at a fast food place I should never go to, but still do now and then....I hurry down the steps, into the building and get into the elevator. I laugh at the horns someone's added to the top of the head on a picture of this guy we've grown to dislike around here.... As my laughter quieted down, I heard some other voices, feminine voices, nearby. So, I'm thinking, "Oh - maybe they're up on the third floor. Wonder who it is..." Hey! I get out of the elevator, no one's waiting. The other elevator door opens about then out walks the "new" girl with the long, straight, blonde hair, who reminds me of my cousin (with another girl.) Wow.... I think she looked better than ever, today - smiling and talking with that other girl, me looking back at her face as I pass, having noticed her figure looking particularly fine today too, glancing beforehand... I wonder if she's ever had her heart broken. She seems pretty happy generally. I wonder what she'd make of me, if she really knew me? As if I'll ever know, unless I take her up on... What was all that stuff I was saying about women? Kind of seems senseless when I think about it. Why not just submit? Be charmed. It's the way of the world. It's nice when a nice looking seems to be focusing on *you*. :-) I have this awful habit though, when I am *really* thinking about asking someone out, of trying to think of what's wrong with this picture. Like, "Hmm, seems nice, talks to me, smiles, seems receptive to me, "kind of" (or perhaps quite) nice looking, and.. and.. there must be something wrong, right!?" Ha. As Usual Grammys suck, as usual. You either have to be old or usually boring and talent-challenged to win. I remember when I used to be into reggae, none of the best artists ever won. The most promoted won. Now this year, Avril Lavinge is a lot better than that other lady who won a bunch of awards (at least to me.) Hands down, she's got more passion, and more talent. A grammy is not an honor - until they get old and then it's a sign of respect. Otherwise, not winning is more of an honor!! If you value talent. Heck with it, useless hype. Avril's too cool for them. :-) Sunday, February 23, 2003
Wrecked My Life! "The long days and lonely nights that I spend in vain.... The few happy moments in my life that she give...." Luckily, I *can* sleep at night without it. Screw it. "My whole world you have destroyed..." "Just a minute ago your love was here. All of a sudden it seems to disappear." Just a mirage. Slim Smith was so incredible... no wonder he died so young - his heart was too true - way too vulnerable. "You gave me an illusion that your love was real." "The way you wrecked my life was like sabotage. The love I saw in you was just a mirage./// ...You wrecked my life!" On The Roof Now they're flying kites out there... I sort of love it. This is like being on a rooftop outside Wrigley Field, without the Cubs sueing you. Some cool kites... One like an airplane, another a squid. :-) All crashed! Up again - they're really colourful in the sunlight, all three on the same line.... "Sometimes some things you see ain't what they seem to be... Baby don't you hear, don't you speak, don't you see no evil..." - Slim Smith - "Speak No Evil" Essential It's a glorious day out behind this screen, too... Kids over playing in the playground in the distance. The trees swaying in the sunlit breeze, under the blue sky above. Oh man, I love this Slim Smith!!! Possibly the most essential vocalist in all of reggae & rock steady...... Those evergreens all over... mmmm. I have a little one just out my window too, with it's tender light green branches... "Thank You Lord for the sunshine You've brought me. Thank You for the lessons You've taught me...." - - - Slim Smith & the Uniques, "Hooray (One Fine Day)" God Shined His Light I swear this was meant to be.... The appraiser just called me, to make sure there was no charge on my closing, for appraising my new place... Wow, I had no idea!! I don't mind paying my fair share.... So many people have helped me get here, including my son this weekend, working his little self without complaint..... I'd say this was meant to be. I have a feeling God has shined His light on this endeavour..... Done! My tenancy is *done*!! No more pesky owners coming into my apartment for *anything*! I *am* the owner. Yes! Privacy once again, at last... Thank God. [I must say.... my manager guy was quite friendly at the end, as were a couple neighbor guys especially, in my building there. Shamus and Joe..... I like when people are nice to me.... :-)]  Things I'd Like To Say I *do* like this monitor... I love Avril Lavigne!!! At least, the girl and her music. Probably my current favorite would be "Things I'll Never Say"... Such a vulnerable girl song... I think this is the first monitor I've ever bought that automatically adjusted itself. That was cool... I mean, so it perfectly fits my desktop and all those tiny icons onto the screen, without a bunch of extra black at the edges and without missing a pixel at the edges. Cool... You're supposed to be able to get a picture in picture too, so, I just might have to get a dish connected or something at some point. To get some little Dodgers on this same screen...As if I can't turn my head a little and look at the TV now and then?? ;-) |
